On his 16th birthday, Alex started growing moss where his sideburns were supposed to be. He hacked away at it with razor and trimmer to no avail. The night he turned 21 he tried to burn it off with a Zippo; no dice. After that ordeal, he pledged to maintain his face fuzz. He took long hot showers and wore fertilizer once a week for its benefit. In time his green mutton chops grew lush and resplendent. His lovers said they smelled of a dewy spring morning.